I'm not very big on personal blog posts.
But I find myself here right now. I find myself here right now, moistened eyelashes.
I just don't see who I can turn to right now that will understand me. And yet, I need to let this out.
The woman pictured above changed my life. And I mean this in the most un-cliched way that one can ever express themselves. I find myself numb and in a dreamlike state. I don't have many "favorite" influential music artists. I can easily narrow it down to a top 5 max. Because I don't look at them as just musicians. I don't look at them as simply great music. I am such an analytical critical intense theoretical and affected person, that anything that I would call a "favorite" has such immense DEEP meaning to me. These are not musicians to me. But mentors... the gasp of fresh air when you are by yourself lost amidst ones own web of worries and fears. Or even web of dreams and delights. This web that you yourself create has the capability of swallowing you whole. You, its creator. You drown in your own mental and subconscious suicide. These musicians, these are the people that soothe you. Not even really them, but something in their lyrics, something in these melodic words, soothe you. They heal you. They lead you. They mend you. They're there for you when no one else is. Figuratively and metaphorically. I find it incredibly cheapening putting into simple words how much this womans words healed me. Lead me. Mended me. When absolutely no one was there. When everyone else's words seems to fade into the background. Her voice rung through my entire state of being.
And I won't ever fault anyone who disagrees. I wouldn't waste a single millisecond of energy in an attempt to argue on why this woman is the epitome of phenomenal golden pure talent. No. I just wouldn't waste my time. Because I don't need any confirmation other than the one her music has planted in my soul. I feel her words literally engraved in me. It's such a beautiful and rare gift to listen to someones words and just relate so much that this relation becomes alleviation.
When this woman sings, her innermost self is presented. This right here is the absolute rarity when it comes to music. And yet, there it is, in her music. Her soul unleashing with every syllable, flowing out of her through her momentous and honest voice. I literally feel every single drop of deep spirit through her music. It's there. Every second of every meaningful moment comes to life with a melody. Chills. Sometimes I can't find the words. Sometimes I'm speechless. But once I hear her, it's as if every single thing that my soul has thought needed feared loved suffered grown smiled celebrated lost wanted and felt, is clearly recognized in this womans melody. She finds the words that I am so familiar yet estranged to.
Ugh putting the extraordinary affect this genius, this phenomenon has on my life, into simple black and white words is so cheapening. So unfair. I wish I could write it on the moon, I wish I could emblazon it across the sky. But not even in plain english. Not even in words. But in a God-like, invisible way. I find myself numb. And yet I'm familiar with this numbness. This is the calm before the storm. The numbness, the shock that comes before the devastating, weakening and helpless heartbreak.
Now people can say, how are you so upset? You don't know her, you never met her. She didn't even know you're alive. And people would be right. I don't know her. I never met her, and she didn't know I am alive. I never even got to see her performing live. I never got to be in the same room as her. Complete stranger.
And yet, this stranger has reached me in a way that no one ever has, nor ever will.
I needed this relieving therapeutic written vent.