the inevitability of deceitful optimism.

it's truly heartbreaking how most humans are a ticking disappointment. right when you see the light in people, that light goes out cold. and yet, you foolishly continue drowning in your idiotic optimism, and continue seeing this artificial light in others. almost as if you're trying to persuade yourself that THIS TIME it's real. lol  bitterness just seems more and more sweeter each day...

keeping a positive outlook on this continuously negative world, is one of the most difficult things to do. i am very naive, incredibly gullible, and almost childlike when it comes to my outlook on people. i see the good and cover my eyes to the bad.  at times, i find myself coming up with excuses for the bad in a person. angelically playing devils advocate. almost as if i'm desperately trying to convince myself that people are actually genuinely good. i am staring at repugnance dead in the eye, while placing a glittering white veil across its face. what the fuck is wrong with me?  i cannot emphasize enough or even put in words how much i fucking LOATHE this absurd, idiotic characteristic of mine. this foolish state of mind is the introduction and root to all of my downfalls with people. and no matter how many times i get fucked over, i don't learn. history repeats itself and my dizzy optimism takes over.  it's disgusting as to how i am, in a way, such a fucking masochist. and ironically enough, i MYSELF end up being a disappointment TO myself. becoming my own worst enemy. a voluntarily never ending cycle.

negativity will drag you down.
but one shouldn't confuse reality with negativity. 

specially when positivity can be so naive sometimes...

i want to be bitter. i want the bad in a person to greatly outshine the good. i want to be easily nauseated with the slightest sign of defection. i want to look at you with a grim smile, and anticipate the inevitable moment of disappointment. i want that disappointment to barely tickle my soul, rather than crush it. i want to hear you speak and sense nothing but a composition of deceit, fraudulence, and the stench of rotting bullshit. i want automatic repulsion with your attempt at charisma. i want to be able to say FUCK THE WORLD and mean it, with every single little piece of my significance.

it's moments of realization like this, that make me wish i could move to mars.